The return of nightmares

Again ..again...again...god if u r ..not again...if u r not..not again.
Thats what it seems now. Is it me, the sole soul in the mammoth expanse of this vast universe, whose perception of giganticity is by the way not one of my own, the only one undergoing such travails yet one more time in his wretched life. Twenty three years, and six months have been enough to get fed up and especially the last half dozen and yet again when I was feeling a taste of lemon and lemonade, of pan and elaichi here I am again luminating, rummaging and cursing my biochemical presence and those complex or at least undiscovered chain of events which force me "Think". If only I had no mind and no thinkdom and no fears would all this go. Hail the retarded for they are hearty. Not again I might plead but again it has already been, it will perhaps always be. Rationality negates the concept of eternal misfortune but a short set of observations force me to get to terms with it.
I hope the former prevails that I be content in the end. I hope I find peace. I hope that not again comes true. I hope I have time to celebrate my peace. I hope it all ends some day in a good way. I wish there was a god who was all merciful and benign but then again rationality kills god. Getting peace is a matter of chance, I wish I have the power to grab peace. I wish after all that there was a God and there was that thing called Salvation or Moksha. If only I could know for sure it existed for sure I would do any thing..any thing...Then alone would it be not again..